"Choose discomfort over resentment'' Brene Brown

It took some time, but once I finally understood this quote about setting boundaries, my life opened up in many ways I never thought possible. I enjoyed personal agency, improved communication, remarkable productivity, and, above all, a sense of inner peace. Below is my personal story with boundary-setting, followed by the top four tips I have for you to build the skill on your own. 

Early on in my career, I struggled with being overwhelmed and overworked, pressure to say 'yes' to everything, and resentment for those around me who were making requests of me. I lacked the ability to say no and became passive-aggressive because of it. It wasn't until I heard Brene Brown's quote that I realized all of these feelings could go away if only I made the simple choice to set personal boundaries. Years later, deciding to set personal boundaries has proved to be one of my most productive behavioral shifts ever. I experienced personal agency in choosing what projects I would devote my time towards, improved communication with my bosses and co-workers, greater productivity as I remained present and focused more often, and a sense of peace as I became more comfortable with doing what was best for me. 

The best part about all of this is that you can also make the decision. I've spent years cultivating the skill of setting boundaries, and I have here my top four tips so you can create work-life boundaries and continue to be a high-achiever while experiencing the inner peace you deserve. 

1) Define your boundaries 

Spend time reflecting and thinking through the limits and rules you must set for yourself and others. Here are some questions to help you identify your wants and needs and set healthy boundaries: 

• What drains your energy? 

• What decreases your productivity?

• What makes you feel resentful? 

• Which requests from people often lead to frustration? 

• What limits do you need to set to avoid those things from happening?

2) Communicate clearly 

Ensure you are direct and concise when expressing your boundaries, and avoid apologizing for communicating your needs. There is nothing wrong with articulating what you want and need transparently.

You might find yourself having your boundaries tested. Some people may forget, and some may try to disregard it blatantly. Do not be offended if your boss or co-workers forget; express your boundaries again and stick with them. We are all in our own little world, and it is possible that some people do not remember. If they still try to overrule your boundaries, establish consequences according to how important that boundary is to you. Several egregious violations of your limits might mean you're in the wrong place. 

3) Get comfortable saying 'no.'

As we grow in our careers, we think we must always be available and show our willingness to do everything to move to the next level. While that approach may help as you start your journey, you will soon find yourself stretched out as your job demands increase. You did not set boundaries from the get-go and now saying no feels completely inappropriate. Many bad leaders and toxic cultures create a barrier for people to set healthy boundaries and feel unsafe when they say No to a request outside working hours or that conflicts with personal plans. 

Some of you probably think it's incredibly selfish to say No to people all the time, but it is not. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and your well-being. When I stopped answering emails at all times, my productivity increased significantly because I was making fewer errors. I was paying more attention to details and being present when needed. When I started saying No to things I did not want to do, I began to enjoy the ones I did want much more. I was mentally free to be present and at peace.

4) Choose to be in control.

When I realized that I had a choice and that I could exercise that choice at any time, even if it meant that I would feel uncomfortable from potentially disappointing someone by saying NO. I realized that it was not my boss' fault but my own, as I never clearly expressed what was acceptable and not acceptable. My boss had never told me that I needed to answer emails at all times, my friends never told me that I needed to show up for everything even when I did not want to, and my team did not tell me that I needed to take on all the projects. All those actions were my own doing, as I failed to draw a line and protect myself.

Know that some people will respond poorly to your new way of being. That reaction is expected when people have been used to benefiting from you and your willingness to do everything for them. Give people time to adjust, but know that some people will try to make you feel bad or figure out a way to manipulate you or make you feel guilty. If you are the kind that tends to avoid conflict, please do not sacrifice your own wants and needs in an attempt to make peace. Stand your ground, choose to be in control, and remind yourself why you are setting these boundaries.

If you can apply these four tips to your environment and establish healthy boundaries, you will see your life open up as you enjoy greater control and healthier relationships. Remember: contrary to popular belief, healthy boundaries are not limiting and rigid. Instead, they act as a flexible barrier that allows you to positively foster the skill of being assertive with courage and honesty. As you continue on your path of achieving your goals, you'll see how critical it is to set boundaries for yourself. Starting with these tips is a great start.